Body Image + Pregnancy
Something I have been struggling with throughout this pregnancy is my body image.
Although my weight is still in a normal, healthy range, I started showing A LOT earlier than with Miss Harper, my belly is significantly bigger, and I have a lot more aches and pains this times, so I am not able to be near as active.
Along with the intrusive thoughts of how “big” I look (AND tons of actual comments from people pointing it out too..), I have also had guilt and annoyance creep in because I have been in recovery from my eating disorder for 5 solid years now and know better than to believe the negative thoughts that pop up.
I’ve now realized (and I talked about this before), the last year was SUPER overwhelming for me with starting a new job (after being a SAHM), having multiple, crazy health issues that required hospitalizations, financial stress due to medical bills, and the hormonal changes of early pregnancy that left me feeling nauseous, very depressed, and anxious for the first 20 weeks. In that time it was easier to blame my changing body for this unhappiness and discomfort I was feeling than to get to the root of the issue.
I was annoyed that I felt body image struggles were coming up for me after YEARS of me rarely thinking of my body’s size. I’ve now come to the realization that it’s not fair for me to be frustrated with myself when I’m going through something as life changing as pregnancy.
It’s okay there are times I feel like I don’t know how to handle things.
Lately, I have been trying to focus on the word “grace” to remind myself to have self-compassion for all the changes I have been going through.
And more importantly, pregnant or not, my worth and value as a wife, mom, and woman have absolutely NOTHING to do with what my outward appearance looks like.
A couple things I’ve been doing that have been helpful in pregnancy so far are:
1. Saying to myself a lot, “allow your body to do what it needs to do to grow that baby.” My body has gone through some amazing things in my life time and has proven to be resilient, trustworthy, and stronger than I believe. It has overcome negative effects of my eating disorder, severe illness, disease, and one traumatic birthing experience so far, so I should trust that it knows what it’s doing this time around.
2. Stop comparing my pregnant self to my non-pregnant self. Instead of getting frustrated that I can’t be as productive as I used to be, I have to remember that I am growing a human being and that it’s okay if I can’t do 100 house projects, complete a tough workout, or even put on my own socks (haha)
For a while I was reading some pregnancy books and blogs and they are awful. They all say unhelpful messages like, “pregnancy is not time to let yourself go” and “be careful to not gain too much weight.” All super diet mentality things. So once I quit reading those, I have started to feel much better.
Because when it comes down to it, my body knows how to gain weight during pregnancy and I don’t need some book micromanaging my weight.
You know, it’s weird to me that women get so much support during pregnancy. Since I was about 8 weeks pregnant, I have been seeing my OB and a high-risk OB monthly, now both every 2 weeks, and soon I will see them weekly. Then once postpartum comes (or the 4th trimester), care plummets… which is when most women probably need support, attention, and someone to talk to the most.
Seth is saving up his vacation time and he will be able to take off almost two weeks after the baby comes, so I know I’ll have him for support during that time. And I am beyond lucky to have so much family closer by this pregnancy, so they will be there as well.
I have already checked in with a previous therapist and am thinking about scheduling occasional therapy sessions for the postpartum period, just to make sure I’m not bottling things up and to check in with someone on my emotional state. The first trimester emotions were beyond brutal and I have a long history of anxiety and depression, so I definitely want to be proactive and take care of myself.
In any big life change (going to college, getting a new job, being pregnant, etc.), know some stuff may come up for you and it’s okay if you don’t have everything figured out. I sure know I don’t. But I do know that there is nothing wrong with my body size now and there will be nothing wrong with my body size when I’m 35+ weeks pregnant and nothing wrong with my body size when I’m in my fourth trimester (hello, postpartum).
My body is growing an amazing little guy that we are beyond blessed to have and that means more to me than any number on a scale or however big my current Kardashian booty gets.
I would LOVE to hear from other mamas that struggled with body image during pregnancy and what that experience was like for you!